Grief is not linear...

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross gave life to the dying.  She taught the entire world about grief, giving us words to describe its stages in a way even those not touched by grief could understand.  But as it goes with the way of the world, we did not really listen to the difficult things.  Instead, we tried to simplify it, package it up neatly, turn it into an actionable list to be conquered one cross-off at a time.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

We work the list.  We struggle through the list.  We finish the list.  And in our minds we cross off the 6th and final stage as "Resolution."  No matter the word you might use for number six, the idea is the same: the grieving process is not over.

Grief is not linear.

Kubler-Ross understood this.  She spoke of this, wrote of this, taught this.  But we stuff our fingers in our ears.  We glossed over that part.  We failed to take notes.  It is easier if grief is linear.  Easier for the grieving.  Easier for those who care about the ones who are grieving.  When I studied her work, the metaphor most often used was like the waves that crash upon the beach.  They come. They leave.  Sometimes gentle. Sometimes violent.  Sometimes smoothing out the sand. Sometimes wreaking havoc.  But always coming and going and returning again.  Waves never cease.

For me, I like to think of grief as a companion. As one of my characters explains, "A strange companion Grief is. He comes and goes, comes when you least expect him, goes when you don’t. Grief fills you when he’s there, and his whispers linger when he’s gone."

Were Cora the one writing this, she would also add:  He is a companion you hate and a companion you learn to respect.  You run away from him. You embrace him.  You vent your ire with your entire being with him.  You weep within his arms.  He is your bitterest enemy.  He is...surprisingly...your friend.

If you understand that there is no check list, no normal, and no end, then you also understand that Grief is a companion who strengthens you and enriches your life. Even if you are near certain that he is destroying it.


Lord, have mercy.  Christ, have mercy.  Lord, have mercy.